Advice I'd Give To A Younger Me (6ish Years On).

It would seem I have reached the stage of allowing my own advice into my life again. You can view the original here (when I was nearly 19) and the following advice (when I was nearly 22).

But I suppose given that I am now a twenty-five-year-old lady with their twenty-five-year-old experiences, I believed I should share my wisdom for this stage of my life. This one is more about what I have learnt and a reflection of the past, I suppose.

Here goes:

You got to teach throughout France (many times!), you were lucky enough to teach in Cambridge (and then you went back, and loved it even more), you gained your CELTA after studying hard, you volunteered in Poland, meeting the best of people throughout the way. I hope you realise how lucky you are to have met the people you did in such a time and to have had the teaching experiences you did. You will meet an array of wonderful students and colleagues, and you will love it, despite the difficulties these roles bring.

You surely didn't know what to expect, 21-year-old self. This whole thing (ahem, COVID-19) maybe wasn't in your five-year plan. That's okay, it wasn't in anyones. But, do know and appreciate that you were lucky to have got back from travelling New Zealand and Australia when you did. You had the best of times. You had always wanted to travel to that part of the world. You got that chance, you lucky sod.

Of course, 2020 came around and that then interrupted every single career move you had planned in the meantime. You had wanted something more, something that challenged you further. But given the times... I can only say, you are not the only one in the same situation. Definitely not. As much as it may feel like it at times. (Also, past me, you will want to think about a new laptop that allows you to type 'k' without SLAPPING it).

Anyway, from past experience:

Drink more water. Well, this one hasn't changed. You could still learn from this. Please do. More water, less everything else.

25-year-old-me: Again, this one is still very relevant, continue drinking water. You at least have the water bottle to do so sufficiently, now. 

Learn. Just continue to learn. You still don't have the musical nor linguistic aptitude for any instrument or language. Don't dwell on it too much. Learn about things you do care about. Although you are trying to learn French now. But try harder with that one, please.

25-year-old-me: You did learn a little more French, but then you also went on to learn more about other things that intrigued you, so I'll give you that. Strive for such a thing continuously, though. Never stop your want to learn.

Remember that not everyone is looking at you, or cares what you're doing. Still relevant. Stop worrying so much. And even if there are some people looking and caring about what you're doing... you know why? It's because they care. They want what's best for you.

25-year-old-me: You were very correct with this. Keep it in mind. 

Don't regret dyeing your hair in random colours. However. Just know, green really doesn't come out. Like, ever. Ever. Also, don't worry that the thing you applied for didn't work out. It was an interesting experience. Take that and go with it.

25-year-old-me: You will dye your hair blonde during lockdown and although at first - you will regret the stripes - you will, in fact, enjoy it, and maybe you'll go back to another colour, but yes. Still don't regret such silly things. You will have few regrets from the past years but know that you can always be a more relaxed driver.

Do enjoy the fact you're no longer a person who has to always get ready if you don't plan on leaving the house. It's okay to not put on jeans. You're unsure why you never enjoyed the luxury of sweatpants before. Embrace it. Also, do go swimming more. You miss it. So just do it. 

25-year-old-me: This year was good for swimming, in the first few months, anyway. Otherwise, you have most certainly embraced the non-jean lifestyle, when it is the time and place to, so congrats. I would say, you do need to look out for those who don't have your best interests at heart. It's okay to lose people who don't belong in your life. 

Appreciate the time you have at university. It goes really fucking quick. Appreciate that things turn out well, eventually. Appreciate that you will eventually know what you're going to write your dissertation about, and you will, at some point, be able to read it back. Maybe even appreciate the house fire and how it made you think just how little time you had left to complete your work and made you get shit done. Silver linings and all that.

25-year-old-me: You did a fine job of the uni thing. Feel good about it. You then had that spell of not knowing. That's okay too. You found your thing, for a bit. Continue to work and think about the next step. You'll never know when you can't actively enjoy such things. Pandemic or not. Appreciate the friends you have gained throughout these years, and perhaps, even more, the friendships you've retained. They're the real ones. 

Try not to get too scared about the future. You should really keep this one in mind still. It sucks that you have little idea about what the future holds. You find a way, eventually. Things go well for you academically. You're gonna do some fun things. You're also going to struggle to find a sense of purpose. It sort of comes to you. Try not to worry if you change your mind. Try to stop making bad decisions, but move and learn from them when you do. It's the only way you can.

25-year-old-me: I had some good advice, there. You are going to have trouble sleeping with the worry of it all. You will worry about a lot of things. You are still lucky enough to be surrounded by loved ones, and people who support you. You will learn new skills (of the DIY, entire house renovation variety, and y'know, that will be a good thing). Amongst a heap of other bits.

Hindsight is still a wonderful thing. Catch me here as a twenty-seven or twenty-eight-year-old and updating you then.

There's still a lot more to be learnt from this year, I feel.

Open Up (Part 5)

Part 4 here.

She had been mad.

Of course she'd been mad.

Giving yourself to an entire playlist had meant a great deal to her. Not that he was supposed to know such a thing, just... Eh. Logging off without a response???

But then, after she had sat herself down and made a cup of tea. The mug with the flamingo... Something that she'd received as a raffle prize one year. She had felt the anger subside a touch. Maybe to have spent time listening meant more. To have someone else respond to the music she had curated... Well, y'know, after listening to something, truly, deeply... and to have them feel things because of her?

Fuck. Maybe that was a good thing?

She had cushioned herself between the sheets and nestled her mug on her stomach. She could overcome this, easy.

Not like she hadn't done so before.

So she waited for his feedback. She promised herself it didn't matter at this point.

It didn't matter.

But when she saw the inbox message from Damian86. She had felt her heart soar in that stupid, ridiculous way. She knew she was falling.

Into what, though? Fucking hell.

Damian86: You there? 
Damian86: I have a bone to pick with you. 
Damian86: Clearly impossible with this list of songs. 
Damian86: Get back to me, pronto. 
Damian86: We have a few things to discuss. 

He was always one for using full stops. A definitive guy. Knew what he wanted, apparently. Just not enough. 

That had been the first of many such conversations. 

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Read part 6 here. 

Open Up (Part 4)

Part 3 is here. 

The music recommendations she had sent went as follows:

John Martyn - May You Never
The Jezabels - Disco Biscuit Love
Bell XI - Velcro
The Housemartins - Caravan Of Love
Lightspeed Champion - Tell Me What It's Worth
Fight Like Apes - Digifucker
Goldspot - Rewind
Andrew Bird - Danse Carribe
The New Pornographers - The Body Says No
Cass Elliot - Make Your Own Kind Of Music

She hadn't even meant to compose an entire playlist. She had never been one for a playlist that made any particular sense. Other than to herself, of course. The genres were always one to get mixed into whatever she just enjoyed. There were no 'chill', no 'party', no 'get hyped' playlists. Just the amalgamation of what she wanted to listen to at the time. Not that there weren't themes. She certainly used different playlists on the job. But. This particular playlist didn't mean much. Not really, anyway.

Celia could have added way more. But ten songs seemed like the ideal amount to start with. A long time ago she had created playlists for people and burnt songs onto a CD. Foolishly. Heartfelt gifts; given to the wrong people.

C'est la fucking vie.

She sent it in the chat, twelve minutes after spending time curating the list.

Damian86: Thanks, lovely. I'll get back to you. 

Then he logged off.

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Read part 5 here.