My Grandad Danny

This was taken only a few weeks ago. We had heard that my Grandad Danny had advanced bladder cancer and that he had weeks to live.

On Saturday night I watched him die.

For those of you who knew my Grandad, you would know how big a part he played in my life. I could not have asked for a better role model. Together with my Nan, they made my and my sister's childhood.
The patience, the time, the endless hours spent with us. Going on holiday, having picnics, visiting the beach, teaching us to swim (despite not being able to himself), and being there for us, answering our problems with solutions only a Grandad can come up with.

This man was the most perfect Grandad ever. He was kind, he was funny, he was patient, he was strong. He encouraged me and my sister to do our best. He was so proud of us, telling everyone about any of our achievements, big and small. I don't think I met a person who he hadn't told about me getting into university.

And he will be seriously missed by a lot of people, least of all my Nan. Next year would have been their 60th wedding anniversary.

I consider myself so very lucky to have known him, and to have experienced the memories we had together. Because there are so many.

I always expected he'd be around to see me grow up, to graduate from university, to get married, to see my children. You forget the people you love are growing older too.

I love you, Grandad. I'm glad you're no longer in pain.

The world is missing a truly incredible man.

I'm Over Here

So, basically, this was a poem I wrote way back when I was a child of seven. It even won a competition.(Which didn't even end up well, but yeah). I had such potential. What happened?

No one really understands
that I am over there,
they walk right through me,
without a look, or a stare.
I am invisible,
in a different dimension.
Time goes on,
but my name's never mentioned.
I want to shout-

"Hey, look, I'm still here!"
Want someone to hear me,
and give a big cheer.
I want to give a big hug,

to the people I love,

rather than sit,

and watch from above.

Today.

Today. Today, it is a year since my Grandad Ken passed away.

It’s really weird to think how things have changed in the past year. How weird to think about what’s going to change in the next few months. Pivotal moments in your life occur, for me, the deciding of educational establishments, just what the hell you want to do with the rest of your life. 

It’s really quite scary. And I miss my Grandad. Sometimes there are times when I know he’d be interested in a certain television programme or something and I’d want to talk to him about it with him but, yeah. He was wonderful, he truly was.

Time passes, you start to think more and more about other things, you occupy yourself with work, or friends, distractions. I sometimes get scared of the passing of time because it delivers the inevitable. Witnessing the ageing process of family members frightens me.

It’s scary getting older, but I also find it really exciting. You don’t know what to expect, so I tend to just take it as it comes. I try to live in the moment. I don’t want to dwell too much on the future when I don’t know what’s going to happen even in the next minute. I am however, very lucky to be surrounded by some of the most amazing people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. I'm appreciative of that.

You would have loved watching "Wonders of Life", Grandad.

Ambiguity

Today I saw a fight. I normally just leave it. How can I stop that sort of thing? But today was different. Today I struck him. I think I killed him.

I had just been carrying out my day as per usual, sort of drifting from one place to the next. It was unusually  cold for this time of year, there was a chill in the air that pervaded the bones of the people busy in the streets. They looked gloomy, completely oblivious to the world around them. Coats done up tight, hoods up, umbrellas out. Just my very presence seemed to make people morose, and then when I go, they seem so much happier. I hate it. Not everyone’s like that, but I know most are. They see one glimpse of me and think to themselves how they need to hurry and get away from me as soon as possible. I can't help who I am. I just bring them down.

It was one of these low points when I saw the fight, I thought to myself how I let everything just pass me by. I couldn't stand it any longer.

The day had started off so well too. Well, the night, I love astrology. I can watch the stars for hours on end, naming the different constellations and galaxies. It's so inspiring that there's so much out there, and not just space; I think it's important to appreciate things like that. The stars are not the only reason I love the night, it's the moon. She's so beautiful. Though I'm so insignificant compared to her, she's so powerful.

I floated my way towards the other side of town, and that's when I saw the fight. It was between a young female and this guy. A guy with coffee in hand, briefcase in the other, phone attached to the side of his neck. He was too preoccupied with his work, the meetings, his deadlines, his life. He hadn't noticed the vulnerable young girl sitting there on worn blankets, arms outstretched for spare change.

He tripped, he fell. Hot coffee splattered on cold concrete.

I knew he was angry. It was so electric. It practically sparked in the air around him. The young girl, vulnerable as she was, had been toughened by the streets. She yells at him. He yells back. Spit settles on her face. I knew there'd be a fight. I've people watched all my life now. You just know. He goes to hit her, but he's distracted by me, trying to cool things down.

It doesn't work. He's hitting, punching, smacking. Her tears are being drowned out by the rumble of thunder. I'm getting angrier, I need to do something. The man carries on, relentless, unforgiving. Why isn't he stopping?

I strike him. It's the first time I've made lightning.

I think I killed him.